If you have a sense of humor and a sweet tooth, the good people over at Ben & Jerry’s have filled our need to put good stuff in our mouth. Being a fan of such flavors as “Phish Food” and Stephen Colbert’s “AmeriCone Dream,” I was more than willing to open my mouth and taste the goodness that is the new flavor; “Schweddy Balls.”
Some of you know exactly what I am talking about. For the rest of you thinking I am using this an excuse to say something vulgar, you’re correct too.
Unfortunately, the humorless and ignorant parents group, One Million Moms, has decided to make a personal vendetta over nothing, calling the name of this flavor offensive and claiming “the vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive.”
What a bunch of crap.
One Million Moms is an affiliate of the American Family Association, whose attacks on homosexuals and minorities are both gross and baseless. The AFA seems determined to take the fun out of anything, making our country a humorless place where we read our bibles like lemmings and listen to Rick Perry and whatever the Republican Party throws our way this week.
And this isn’t the first time AFA and OMM has targeted Ben & Jerry’s, whose company is known for equality and its humanitarian efforts around our country.
Right now, God is laughing at them with a huge mouthful of “Schweddy Balls.” Maybe I just needed to see what the big fuss was all about.
I walked into my local grocer, announcing I was not leaving until I had the largest supply of “Schweddy Balls” they had. The clerk told me that they kept all their “Balls” in the frozen section.
I walked over to the freezer and grabbed two pints and realized that I had no way to carry them home after I paid for them. The good thing is that they are small, so I was able to fit both frigid “Balls” in my pants.
I got home and opened my now fresh “Balls” and prepared my mouth for the joyous occasion that would come with eating “Balls.”
I wrapped my mouth around the succulent malted milk balls contained in the rum-rippled vanilla ice cream and was instantly in love. These “Balls” were amazing. These “Balls” were made for my pleasure.
Seems like I just couldn’t resist those big and tasty “Schweddy Balls.”