Footloose and other mistakes from the 1980s

If you were one of the ten people who were unlucky enough to see the shot-for-shot remake of “Footloose” over the weekend, I apologize. Mostly because it’s a real shame that the best movie they could find to do again was the flimsy, corny, and otherwise dumb Kevin Bacon vehicle from 1984.

The point: stop remaking movies from a decade that had no quality films to begin with.

“Footloose” is not the only offender in this category. An “updated” version of “The Thing” hit theaters the same weekend as “Footloose,” and pretty much no one cared. Nobody cared in 1981 when Kurt Russell stared in the first remake of “The Thing,” no matter how highly regarded it is now.

Earlier this year, the incredibly annoying Russell Brand starred in a remake of the “classic” film “Arthur.” It was updated for younger audiences, most of who have never even heard of Dudley Moore and the overrated original. The end result was what audiences expected. Stupidity piled on top of stupidity for the sake of trying to up the box office.

But why stop there? Hollywood has literally run out of ideas; that’s why audiences will be treated to yet another “Bill & Ted” film and Keanu Reeves looking very, very stoned.

If Hollywood still finds the need to remake films from the decade of Reganomics, why not go for the gusto and find the worst ones possible? Here are a few suggestions.

“Howard the Duck.” Literally the worst film of that decade. Hire Robert De Niro to play the duck. Probably would still be better than “Little Fockers.”

“E.T.”  This could be done very easily. Just film Michele Bachmann for a month. I am pretty sure she is not from this planet anyway. Bonus points for catching her husband doing the chicken dance.

“Major League.” They are already planning on making another sequel to this mostly because Charlie Sheen needs to work to support his “tiger blood” addiction, but why not cast the 2011 Boston Red Sox instead? What happened to that team this year is comedy gold.

“Weekend at Bernie’s.” This one is a no-brainer. Cast Larry Hagman as Bernie. The world pretty much thought he was dead already anyway.

“Steel Magnolias.” But this time just call it what it is. Crazy white Southern women who like to cry all the time. For added fun, cast the real housewives of New Jersey.

That’s all I’ve got for right now. The 1980s were terrible. Maybe Hollywood can move on to remaking films from the 1990s now.

I’m looking forward to watching Mel Gibson in “Schindler’s List 3-D.”

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