Hannity Hallucinations

Osama bin Laden is dead. In fact, I’d argue he is very dead. I’d propose that he is somewhere in the deepest levels of hell, making non sequiturs with Hitler and the guy who invented “business casual” to mask the agonizing pain of swimming in a pool of lava while “Two and a Half Men” reruns play on a loop. However, according to Sean Hannity, President Barack Obama would rather bin Laden still walk among the living.

In what can only be described as an Orwellian “Two Minutes Hate,” Hannity and conservative pollster Frank Luntz talked about Obama’s chances in November. Let’s attack this sentence-by-sentence so we don’t all die of aneurisms before I’m finished making my point.

Hannity started with “I know the president will say ‘Well, we got bin Laden.’ Putting that aside.” Well, it’s a little hard to simply, as Hannity suggested, “put that aside.” Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill saved the world from Nazis, Bruce Springsteen wrote “Born to Run.” OK folks, set all those things aside before I go into what will probably be a horrible premise.

Frank Luntz interjects and states, “And the public gives him credit for that.” Well I should hope so, seeing as he was the one that gave the order for the Marines to attack bin Laden’s lair. If President George W. Bush found and killed bin Laden, then the American public would give him credit for doing so. Alas, he did not. I will, however, give Bush credit for two needless wars and setting the Bill of Rights on fire. I’m a fair man, if anything. But I digress.

Hannity, poised by Luntz, spreads the buttercream frosting on his hate cake stating, “They do. The public gives him credit for that. But it wouldn’t have happened if he had it his way, and I think that can be proved as well on tape.”

And what does that mean anyway? “It can be proved on tape.” Firstly, tape is terribly outdated. Unless Hannity doubles as some Instamatic photo hipster, lounging around Urban Outfitters and asking friends to follow his Tumblr (which would make him at least two kinds of intolerable), then I don’t understand what he means by tape. Does he mean videotape? I don’t want proof on tape, what are we, Amish? I want proof on Blu-ray. And can you make it iPad-friendly too?

It’s not all bad; we can all come away with a lesson. If ignorance is indeed bliss, then Hannity has to be the happiest camper alive, and I Oughta Know.

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