Hand to God

As far as Republicans go, I can’t imagine a group I disagree with more, except for perhaps Nickelback fans or people who watch The Voice. But with Representative Michele Bachman, pizza guy Herman Cain, and Governor Rick Perry dropping out of the race, my faith in God (in our collective case, Jesus Christ) is all but secure.

Before the primaries even began, Bachman, Perry, and Cain all claimed to have had a long sit down with him. Each of them said that God asked them personally to run for president. Now that they’re all out of the race there’s only one of three possibilities.

God is a liar – This one is probably less likely. One of his ten big rules includes not lying, and I hope to God (pun intended) that God isn’t a hypocrite.

God is secretly Ashton Kutcher – If this turned out to be true, I’d become an atheist tomorrow. I just can’t see the Son of Man “punking” anyone.

The candidates are liars.

Which of the above is most possible? Easily the third. Am I calling Bachman, Perry and Cain liars? Yes. Yes I am.

The thing that really irks me is that no one (including the “liberal” media), calls these people out on their lie. There’s actually a pretty terrible history of people claiming that God is on their side.

Reverend (I use this title incredibly loosely) Pat Robertson claimed on Jan. 2, 2007 that God had come to him and relayed some choice knowledge on what would happen that coming year. “I’m not necessarily saying it’s going to be nuclear. The Lord didn’t say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that,” stated Robertson.

That year is mostly a blur to me. I remember America being introduced to some congressman from Chicago named Barack Obama. I remember having a brief turtleneck phase. And I remember hating the movie “Juno” (and all subsequent Diablo Cody works). I can safely say I don’t remember any nuclear strikes.

There are more examples. President George W. Bush said that as far as the Iraq war was concerned that he was “on a mission from God.” And I don’t think I need to remind you what happened on Sept. 11, 2001. That guy thought God was on his side too.

Hardly anyone who claims God is on their side ever wants to do anything God would actually want like, say, feeding the poor, or treating others the way we’d want to be treated. In a world where Republican voters boo the Golden Rule, something as radical as “The Sermon on the Mount” would probably get him labeled as a socialist, and I Oughta Know.

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