Election night for me was more tumultuous than I’d like to admit. The nerves made me treat my body with little respect, shoving as much hydrogenated oils and trans fats into my mouth until Ohio was called for Obama. The fallout was delicious. Watching Karl Rove lose it on Fox News, or hearing Gov. Mitt Romney read a speech he clearly wrote five minutes beforehand had me cackling like Mark Hamill’s rendition of the Joker. Congrats, Mr. President. Now if you’d be so kind, I have a few requests for your next term.
Lose your optimism – We get it, “there’s no red states or blue states.” But guess what: there is. In fact, right after your re-election, 15 states (most of them former slave holding states) filed petitions to secede. Man, they really don’t like you. You should respond in kind and not like them back. Politics have never been a rosy endeavor and they never will be. I don’t want to come together and fake camaraderie with people who want to re-define rape or have the law treat gays and lesbians as second class citizens.
Close Guantanamo – Some people forgot about this campaign promise. I did not. It’s been on my mind ever since you took your oath of office. We will continue to bring terrorists to justice, but we should do it American style, under the confines of the constitution. Rule of law is a beautiful thing; it makes me tear up more than the “Wind Beneath My Wings” sequence in “Beaches.” Also, can we please get rid of the Patriot Act? There are no bombs hiding inside my cowboy boots, I promise.
End the Drug War – You want to earn a spot on the quarter? Do this. It won’t be easy. There’s an entire Legion of Doom assembled who’s profiting from keeping marijuana illegal. The prison industrial complex, the painkiller industry and even the alcohol industry (which in the 20s was considered a drug) did their best to stop it, but both Washington and Colorado voted to legalize pot on Nov. 6. Taxes levied on pot growing could help ease our financial woes. Because it’s true – everyone is doing it. I have friends who partake including, but not limited to: students, lawyers, doctors and yes, even priests. Heck, I even know about a handful of presidents who used to toke up, and I Oughta Know.