How to win


It’s an election year everyone, get excited! Now that the Gov. Mitt Romney has all but secured the Republican Party nomination. Sure, Speaker Newt Gingrich is still hanging on by a tiny thread, with the faith of a mustard seed and nearly three times as bitter. And Congressman Ron Paul is probably lost inside a college gym, yelling at no one in particular about how paved roads are a needless taxpayer expenditure. But never you mind those guys. Romney is the nominee, and I’m about to give him a few pointers on how to win.

Yes, that’s right. Me, Jaime Carrillo, registered Democratic-Socialist, is going to give the poster boy for the 1 percent a few tips on how to win the election.

Don’t run from your record – Remember the debates when Gov. Rick Perry kept hammering you about whether you supported the individual mandate? The whole argument missed a crucial point: Romneycare, as far as Massachusetts is concerned, is very popular. Stop hammering that garbage “state’s rights” thing. The individual mandate is a conservative answer to the health care problem anyway. Just ask the guy who originally thought of it: President Richard Nixon.

Stop reminding people you’re better than them – And by better, I mean richer. You’re richer than the wealth of the last three presidents combined. So either be rich and go populist, like President (and my hero) Franklin Delano Roosevelt, or show a little humility when it comes to your wallet.

Careful with the race/religion-baiting – Just ask Sen. John McCain just how effective those Rev. Jeremiah Wright ads were. And let’s not forget, the same people who would respond positively to a subtle attack on President Barack Obama’s race or “lack” of religion (Obama is just as religious as you, he’s just not as intolerable and loud about it) are probably in the same camp as those that cringe at the idea of having a Mormon president. The best thing about this election is that racists in America are going to lose their marbles on Nov. 2. The wheels of progress turn, and your nomination is evidence of that. Kudos.

Pick a side, we’re at war – The popular Stephen Colbert adage should henceforth be your mantra. It’s almost a cliché at this point, and not just because Jay Leno spouts it in his sleep-inducing monologues any chance he gets. Remember: with the advent of YouTube and the 24-hour news cycle, everyone is connected and nothing falls through the cracks. I know you’re constantly trying to please a base that doesn’t care for you, but it’s going to be your undoing in the long run. Just ask Sen. John Kerry, and I Oughta Know.

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