Play that funky music, white boys

Is there anything better than when music meets politics? If you watch as much C-SPAN as I do, then your answer is definitely no. Problem is, most popular musicians are rather peeved when Republican Party candidates use their songs on the campaign trail. Ever since President Ronald Reagan didn’t understand that Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” wasn’t a jingoistic pop anthem, this has been a problem. Luckily, I’m here to help.

With my vast music and political knowledge, I will help the candidates pick the right song to reflect their ornery and just plain terrible views.

Congressman Ron Paul – His views are “solid as a rock,” only not nearly as fun and catchy as Ashford and Simpson’s 1984 love ballad. And as much as Tom Petty would probably kick and scream at Paul’s choice, I can’t think of any song more apt for Paul than Petty’s 1989 hit, “I Won’t Back Down.”

Gov. Mitt Romney – If the current crop of primary candidates made up a smarmy boy band, Romney is easily the pretty boy bandleader with all the talent, but who everyone gossips about when he leaves the room. The Timberlake, if you will. Try as I might, I don’t think I’ll ever have Romney pinned down right. There’s plenty to like about this guy. Stealers Wheel’s 1972 rock classic “Stuck in the Middle With You” is the best bet for Romney. You can decide whom the “clowns to the left of me,” and “jokers to the right” are for yourself.

Speaker Newt Gingrich – Easy: the “Imperial March” from Star Wars. Gingrich is a bad throat congestion and a tasteful black robe away from being “Speaker Palpatine,” and the recent moon colony debacle only cements the space theme he’s running with. Say it with me: four more cycles, four more cycles!

Senator Rick Santorum – I don’t know why, but Santorum always has a look on his face like he’s about to be punched. Recently he came out against higher education, calling colleges “indoctrination centers.” Those are fighting words coming from a member of the Roman Catholic Church, who has indoctrination down to a science. I would say Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” but Santorum is a man devoid of any subtlety. Instead, Santorum’s campaign song will just be the sound of children crying.

Most of this is rather moot however, seeing as I’m all but certain Obama’s tune come Nov. 2, 2012 will be Queen’s “We Are the Champions,” and I Oughta Know.

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