Insane in the Cain Brain

I feel really sorry for Herman Cain. The former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and Republican presidential candidate is currently the GOP front-runner. However, I’m almost entirely positive he doesn’t want it.

I mean, what other conclusion can you come to when you see the actions his campaign has taken since he took first place? Have you seen the now viral campaign ad on YouTube? It’s so avant-garde it makes the works of David Lynch look like the “comedy” stylings of Larry the Cable Guy. If you haven’t seen it, his campaign manager Mark Block opens with a speech he clearly wrote five minutes before the cameras turned on.

After making his plea to America, he channels Dirty Harry, looking at the camera, stone-eyed while smoking a cigarette. Then, the worst kind of corporate, jingoistic rock ballads starts playing, which I’m almost positive was sung by a machine operating out of Karl Rove’s secret lair. Cut to Herman Cain, looking seductively at the camera, his lips curling into a smile, as if whispering, “Tonight belongs to us.” All in all, it’s the best thing to come out of the 2012 elections thus far. Tim and Eric have some new competition.

Does anyone make that sort of mistake on accident? One can never tell with the current political climate. His YouTube campaign video is only one of the stops on Cain’s trip to Flubs-ville. Have you heard of his plan to stop illegal immigration? He said he’d make the fence electrical, with signs in Spanish that would say “If you touch this fence, it will kill you.” He later said on Meet the Press that this was all a joke. So not only is Cain running for president, he’s also running for hack comic of the year.

Get it, guys? Bring us your tired, your hungry, your huddled masses, yearning to be free. More like yearning to be fried! Am I right ladies? Tough crowd tonight, I’m dying up here!

I can’t stress how sorry I feel for Cain. And no, I’m not being sarcastic. The Republican establishment lost their crush on Rick Perry after they found out where he hunts on vacation (hint: it rhymes with Wiggerbed). And for some reason, they can’t stand Mitt Romney. Perhaps because he’s the closest thing to a rational candidate they’ve ever had. He’s the best chance they’ve got. Heck, he may even steal some of the black vote from Obama! OK, I’m being sarcastic again, sorry about that.

Cain wants what any loud, opinionated conservative wants nowadays. Fifteen minutes of fame on the national spotlight, a Fox News weekend variety show, and a fan base to fuel what will be the most successful speaking tour since Sarah Palin had that bus thing. Except Cain might not get bored and quit halfway through, and I Oughta Know.

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