To Gov. Mitt Romney: Being Latino won’t help you in the election

Carlos Guerrero and Carlos Guerrero

Sorry, Gov. Mitt Romney, but even if you were a Latino it wouldn’t help you win the election.

On a private recording at a fundraiser dinner, Romney jokingly said that had his father been born to Mexican parents, “I’d have a better shot of winning this.”

Unfortunately for Mitt, his father was born to Americans living in a Mormon colony in Chihuahua, Mexico. Seriously, doesn’t that sound like it has an Adam Sandler movie written all over it?

Even worse news, the most recent ImpreMedia/Latino Decisions tracking poll has Obama holding a slight lead over Romney 69 to 24 percent and it’s expected to grow higher. Not the most shocking news this election season.

But Mitt, I think your ethnicity matters not and you’re going about it all wrong. You don’t have a lesser shot because you’re not Latino; it’s mostly because of your values, being out of touch with Middle America and your political plans. Latinos will not withhold their votes just because you are very rich. George Lopez is rich, and he’d also make a terrible president.

The novelty of him being Latino would not last long enough to receive the votes.

I don’t think Romney needs to be Latino, but following my advice could help.

From the right angle, Romney kind of looks like Hollywood heartthrob Matthew Fox. He is too white and we can’t relate to him, so find another good-looking celebrity to look like and make sure he is Latin.

But you shouldn’t go to extreme lengths to look the part. Like when he appeared on Univision with a spray tan that gave him a more unnatural skin pigment than Big Bird. It looked real bad, like the Latino version “blackface” bad.

Another thing you could work on is your Spanish. Don’t have your son speak Spanish at the convention; I don’t know who that is. I mean, Obama didn’t make his kids parade on stage and sing “La Bamba.” Latinos are often made to do embarrassing things by overbearing parents.

Like when we have company over. I can hear my mom now.

“Do that thing you do so well, mijo.”

“What thing, mom?”

“You know that thing you do so well, do it mijo! Do it! Do it!”

I would then break out into a song and dance, “Como Te Voy a Olvidar,” and hope it would all end.

So Mitt, if you want that vote, we are going to need to make sure you can speak Spanish fluently and clearly because by the end of your term, most of the country will be speaking it.

It will be nearly impossible to win that vote and possibly the election. But instead of winning, he could focus on losing it by less.